| So... I'm just sitting here, the tears slowly falling. Why? A petty fight over some flights, a worried lover and life.
For the first time in a very long time, I've wanted to take my own life again. I thought that was over, but then I have a fight with Chris about the Iceland thing, then I have a heated argument with Tom about my depression and my life and my past and he just dont get it. None of them do. They dont understand why I am like this, why I cant open up. They say they do, but how can they?
Chris wont open up to me, without us actually being face to face.
Tom dont understand why I feel the way I feel.
Neither one can read me.
Am I that hard to follow? Am I that hard to understand? Is my english that bad? I've never been good with these kinds of words. Ask me to write a novel, no problem, but the second I have to describe myself or someone to someone else, I'm at a loss for words. I dont know how to go about it, which words to use. I dont know what to say.
"I want to know you better" they say, and then they get frustrated about me not being able to say things directly, because my words fault me. I stutter, dont know what to say...
Maybe I should just call it quits. Get a new e-mail, new nick names and just forget them all. Chris, Tom, Hades, Lil.. them all. It's not like we're that close any more anyway. We've lost the glow that used to keep the fire going. Is it really time for that kind of drastic measures? Sure, it would make Chris go out dating again, find someone else than me. Tom would find some other girl to call his daughter. Hades... Well, Hades would think I just abandoned him and then that would be it. Lil... Lil would be crushed, but at the same time know why I did it. She might be the only one I'd tell. No one else. But only because of her being who she is. She wouldn't be told my new e-mail. Would only be told in an e-mail that I'm cutting all personel off and that I most likely will never return.
She doesn't know any one on my list, so that would not be a problem. Tom would be worried sick, heck, maybe he'd lose some weight, and he'd try finding me, but ofcourse without result. I'd go away from call myself the usual nicks online. Dont want them to be able to find me on Google by looking up "HellsBitch" or something.
Maybe I should do that when I go to Iceland. It would be a nice change. I'd be able to change my life completely. I'll have to think more about it, and see what the last few weeks bring. | comments: Feed Me!   |
| I've gotten an obsession with high heels. Not the stilletos, Goddess knows I hate those, no, I'm talking about real high, big heels. And we all know my feet and I dont agree on high heels. But I have 2 new pairs of shoes that are high heeled, and even though I sometimes cant walk for 5 hours after waring them, I still wear them. I get blisters on the underside of the heel because I, apparently, have a tendency to walk heavily. And it's not just those blisters that are in the top layer of the skin, oh no, it has to be all the way just before the flesh. This means you cant puncture them, because then it might get infected and that wouldn't be good. So I'm walking around, whimpering, then I'm told by my dear parents that I have to clean the bathroom. I can barely fucking walk here! And they make me do that!? But the pain went away the day before I had to clean, so it's all good now. The blisters are even going away. But ofcourse I have to get a new one today. It's even open, so I have to wear a special bandages and stuff. Urgh!
Oh! And I've started riding again. Got a new horse, as the one I used to ride, Vár, has been sold. So now I'm riding a mare named Gaia instead. She's nice. Not scared of cars, no major moodswings. She only has a problem with big objects standing still. Like big trucks and stuff. But it's all good. At least she doesn't try to run a mile when a car is coming. So I'm riding pretty much every day now, and I love it. I think the reason I didn't ride so often was that I was kinda scared of Vár, but I'm not scared Gaia will do anything. She's much more calm. And she's with foal, so she cant be ridden too hard, which is fine by me, as I like to just kick back in the saddle and relax. So all is good.
Oh, and I'm flying to Iceland the 4th of February, to start my AuPair job up there. It's gonna be great. My parents and I met one of the family members teh 18th of November, when they were at the school anyway, and the woman, Janne, was meeting with her parents not too far from where my school is. So all is good. We get along nicely so it'll probably all be good. I'm most looking forward to always have animals around me, though. And the funniest thing is, I'm transporting a parrot to them too. Soo Funny!
Dont think I have anything more now... Dont wanna talk about the bore that was the last week of December. | | comments: Feed Me! |
| | Current Location: | Comp room. | | Security: | | | Time: | 11:02 pm | | Current Mood: |  naughty |
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| So... it's been a while. I'm still in school, but have gotten a few things one in the 2-3 months since I last posted something.
I've been to Mallorca with my family, got a point through with my mother, got a closer bond to my beautiful cousin (God I miss having my arms around her...) and over all had a nice trip.
I'm moving to Iceland for 6-12 months, starting Feb. first next year. I'm gonna be taking care of a 12 year old kid when he comes home from school, have some food ready etc. I'm also going to take care of 4 Icelandic horsies and a dog, something I'm looking very much forward to. I love riding and getting to ride 4 different horses a day would just be wonderful. My butt is going to hurt the first couple of weeks, but I'll live. That also means I get to go shopping! Yay! Seeing as I cant fit any of my old gear, besides my boots. And my helmet has disappeared. Yeah. That big thing has disappeared from the earths surface. No idea where it has gone to. It was at the stables and now its gone. Completely. But that just means I get to use moneyz!!! [/moneyusingrant]
So... what else have I been up to? Hmm...
Well, there was the France trip with school. That was ok fun. Had a cottage all to myself because the guy I was supposed to share with didn't turn up. He never turned up again, to be honest. Something about a temper and some pills. Ah well. Made me able to play music all night long ^-^
Oh, and I've gained a lover, lost one and gained again. Sucks, to be honest, but it gives me a bit of action when I feel like it. Problem just is, he's always working or too tired, so... yeah, I have to pretty much do all the work, which sucks. But it gave me an excuse to get on the pill, which I've wanted for a while, since my menstrual cramps have been gotten worse. And the birth control pills should take the worst of that. Which I very much hope is true as I dont think I'd like to go through another night up here rolled up in a little ball, whimpering for 4 hours on a school night, making sure I only get 3 hours of sleep -.-
What else, what else...
I'm starting to loathe the people around me. There's a guy here who came with an ego smaller than mine, and now he's the worst player in the school. Which is bad. Very very very bad.
I'm over my infatuation with Tel. I'm making a yearbook thingy for the school, so I have a helluva lot of pics on my external hard drive. Which is fine, but a lot of them are the same, which isn't all that cool. And now I just have to select a few I want to use in the PowerPoint show I'll be making, and then sort out the worst pictures from the better and then burn 70 CD's with the PP and the pics... and all that has to be done before the 20th of December... So I have just over a month. It'll be fine, the only problem I have is that I hardly have a weekend off the next month. But I supposed I'll just have to work on them when I have time at night and in the few weekends I have off.
Hmm... I dont think I've got much else...
Oh wait! You know the most typical thing? When you move away from your own town and a week after that, you get in touch with several people there who want's to meet you and have hot kinky lesbian sex with you. How annoying is that!? ...That there is no way you can get there the next few months, I mean...
I think that was all...
I'll now go back to my pron... | | comments: People who have fed me or Feed Me! |
| Okay, so its not as bad as first feared. Granted, it is not perfect, with the shaky internet and weird people, but its nice here. I've gotten a few friends, been at a few parties, were at the club last thursday... Was really great. Went there with a couple of girls and some guys from school at around 10:30pm. Was so great. We danced and drank beer and had fun. Smoked too. Cigs and waterpipe. Was soo awesome. I'm thinking of asking them to go again tomorrow night. I wanna see my Tel drunk ^-^. I missed it last time because I went home early because of the crowd from the school.
Kitten + crowd of people she knows = Paranoia-ish Kitten = Not much fun for Kitten. Sad but true.
So, I'm settling in here. I've gotten a few friends, as mentioned, a really hot and sweet chick too who likes the same music as meeee!!! ^-^ Meese is vewy happy about that. She even brought some CD's from Copenhagen that she wanted me to hear.
Oh! And have I mentioned my new Big Bro? At the intro party, I gots myself a big bro. Because I'm not 18 yet and has never been drunk. He want's to make sure I dont get drunk and make a fool of myself and stuff. Heck, he wont even let me get a drag of his cig, even though he knows I have a 20-pack in my room. He's such a sweety. He always lets me have a drag, though *Grins*
And now for something completely different. My little Soph has lost her virginity! *Wipes away tear* She is now a full woman *Wipes away another tear and sniffles* And we have decided that my B-day isn't until May because it will cause trouble with me being in school and I might be continueing at the boarding school and... it'll just be a mess if we did it in March. *Shrugs* I dont care much for when it is, as long as I get to see my baby. | | comments: Feed Me! |
| Please somebody kill me!
Or at least get me out of this place!
I swear I'm going crazy, even more than I already am! And in a few minutes, I'm going to do some Stomp thing at the gym to "Shake the students together". We haven't been doing much else than getting "Shaked together" this week. Its getting really annoying. And there is nothing to do here, so the whole "Max 2 hours at the comp everyday" is not holding. Quite the contrary. I either participate in some lame thing the teachers have made, sit at my comp or read Dragon Riders of Pern by Anne McCaffreey. Great book, really, but... I'd rather I got some friends here, but there are, like, no people who I know I'd get along with perfectly. There's this one guy who's... nice, but... Something about him makes me go "No thankyou!". And most of the girls are preps, and I very much doubt I'd get along with any of those. Me + Prep = Disaster. And I'm rooming with one...
So please get me out of here! Or at least make all the girls turn away from being preps and silly and... well, girly!
Most of the guys here wants to join the police force, and a few of the girls too. Then there's the people who wanna be nurses like me, but I'm the youngest of the whole lot and its like... that fact makes them turn away from me, thinking I'm just an immature brat or something like that. It's getting annoying, to say the least. I have a few people I speak with, but not really anything big or anything. And I miss my home and my constant internet... I wanna go home!!! | | comments: Feed Me! |
| So, bored as always, I turn to AFF for some entertainment. And its down. Well, not entirely down, but only the Originals section is up! But I want some HP Slash!!!
So... yeah. I cruise around gaia instead, not that that is helpful in any way, and get even more bored. And here I thought I had reached my level of boredom. But, apparently not. *Sigh* So! Now I have 44 minutes with nothing to do but go start the dishes early - which I have no intention of doing whatsoever. Maybe HP-fandom has anything worth anything... Its worth a peek.
So yeah... my life is as boring as ever, not much going on. I've got a get together with a couple of my friends tomorrow, going serving at a b-day on Saturday, laundry day Sunday and amusement park on Monday. And in between all of this, I need to get packed for when I start school. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?
Yeah, thought so.
~Hells | | comments: Feed Me! |
| | Tags: | gaiaonline.com | | Current Music: | Shania Twain - Juanita | | Security: | | | Subject: | It works! | | Time: | 09:23 pm | | Current Mood: |  I made it work! *Proudness* |
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| I've actually made it work!
AND it looks fairly decent too! *Proudness*
I might start posting some actual stuff here... And get some friends, get into some communities... *Sigh*
Ah well, it'll be a nice change from gaia. | | comments: Feed Me! |
| | Current Music: | Axel Coon - Lamenting City (Radio Mix) | | Current Location: | Gee, wonder where... | | Security: | | | Subject: | Wow... | | Time: | 08:34 pm | | Current Mood: |  apathetic |
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| I have actually made a LJ... Damn...
Now we'll just have to wait and see if I can actually remember to post stuff here... Maybe I should post some of my writing...
Or maybe I should figure out how the hell these things work before I do anything stupid... | | comments: People who have fed me or Feed Me! |
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hellsb_tch's journal
depressed
Tired cos I've been riding...
and a tad moody.
pessimistic